(Please to forgive the uncreative and frankly confusing post title.
I've started running out of creative ways to term my watercolor moods.
also, once again, this is an unofficial entry in my unofficial summer spooks 2018 series.)
the conjuring
us | 2013
available on netflix
"In 1970, paranormal investigators and demonologists Lorraine and Ed Warren are summoned to the home of Carolyn and Roger Perron. The Perrons and their five daughters have recently moved into a secluded farmhouse, where a supernatural presence has made itself known. Though the manifestations are relatively benign at first, events soon escalate in horrifying fashion, especially after the Warrens discover the house's macabre history."
I do not expect this to be an extensive review (though, now that I look over my notes, it may be one peppered with spoilers, so consider this your advance warning).
Mainly because I cannot think of enough phrases that would serve as synonyms for "Never again." I could not explain to you why I would think, after my experience with The Exorcist, that I would be all snug and comfy with another movie based on possession, hideous demons and horribly patterned 80s-esque staircases, but...I don't ever seem to learn.
Pros in favor of The Conjuring:
1. It has a happy ending.
2. Mom triumphs over evil, thanks to the encouragement and empowerment of another mom. (I KNOW, spoilers, but if you're like me and get squicky at the idea of some slavering beast from the depths of Hell playing marionette from the inside out with your body, think of it as me saving you from adding this to your Netflix queue and suffering through several sleepless nights as a result.)
3. The kids are pretty cute. You know, when they are not screaming or being tossed around like rag dolls by invisible forces or nearly killed by a possessed family member.
Cons against The Conjuring:
1. If you're the type who suffers from night terrors and sees people hovering over you, there's one scene that you will have you retching. And that should be warning enough to NOT do this to yourself.
2. If you're Muslim, or Catholic, a lot of this will have you screaming "BUT WHY" because there are a lot of NOT GOOD decisions made. I mean, you can argue that horror movies only happen because of bad decisions, but there is only so many of those I can take.
Suuuuure, encourage your ethereal, creepily unblinking daughter in her pursuit of an unseen friend. Of course, that boarded up cellar should be opened up and explored in the middle of the night when your husband is on the road and you've already heard someone thumping up and down the staircase.
And you definitely shouldn't have your kids baptized after being encouraged to do so. I mean, this isn't amateur hour!
I mean, this all comes after A PET DEATH which would be the sign for me to get the heck out of dodge.
I feel like I spent 50% of this movie chanting, "Nope, nope, nope," and the other wondering why I was still continuing when I live in an old house that tends to settle and shift in the middle of the night and GOD WHY ARE YOU GOING DOWNSTAIRS THERE'S OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING BAD WAITING FOR YOU
OH NO
NO YOU SHOULD NOT DO THAT
OH YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY
And see, Exhibit A: those ghastly patterned walls down the staircase. If there's ever evidence that you need to ship out of your house immediately, it's those walls. That would be a total deal breaker for me in a significant other: go over, meet his mother, see those walls, tell him that it's been fun but we obviously have opposing views on life.
I, of course, want to keep living.
Okay, so in conclusion: I guess you'll like this if you like the idea of never wanting to go in your cluttered basement alone for the rest of your life. For me, personally, it will take a few days.
And perhaps I will also use those days for some introspection as to why I am doing this to myself.
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